About two months ago, I had to go grocery shopping for a freelance recipe project I was working on. It was the day after my big portfolio show, and I was feeling equal parts elated, relieved and downright exhausted. The project's deadline was encroaching fast, so despite wanting to snuggle in bed all day, I threw on my coat and forced my bleary eyes into driving to the store.
Grabbing a cart, I sauntered through the produce department erratically throwing kale, oranges, berries, butternut squash and the most gorgeous jewel pink pomegranates into my cart. I was just about to exit the produce section when my foggy brain remembered, "BANANAS!"
Quickly swerving around—the rows of unripened green bananas within eyesight—I crashed into a woman wearing a long denim skirt and oversized periwinkle t-shirt. Just as I began to profusely apologize, I realized her crystal clear blue eyes were staring maniacally yet oddly stoically into my own. Her long dark hair streaked with thick strands of silver framed her face.
Swirling her hand in a circle in front of my face, she said, "You have a very strong energy."
I froze. Life has prepared me for a lot, but somehow it missed on how to respond to the gypsy-looking woman who has stopped me in the produce department of my local grocer and drilled holes through my eyes and right into the depths of my soul.
"Th-th-thank you," I stuttered, but before the "you" could make its way out, she interrupted.
"I see very good things for you in 2015," she continued. "Your energy, it's very strong, and this year is going to be a very successful one." For another minute or so, she gave me a complete psychic reading as I leaned against the display of sweet potatoes for support—hitting all areas of my life: work, friends, family, relationship, success.
She gave me her card and asked if I would like a longer reading. Typical sales pitch, I thought before turning the card over and realizing she had the same name as my grandma, who I adored and who passed away years ago. Then, the gypsy-psychic with eyes of glass disappeared.
I texted my mom right away ( as I do with most things in life ) to tell her what had just happened, finished shopping and headed home. But the whole incident stuck with me. I couldn't figure out why at first. I mean, yes, the whole thing was hilarious and totally weird. But I would be lying if I said I didn't get a much-needed boost knowing someone saw success in my future.
And that I realized, was the problem.
Here I was, relying on a random encounter with a stranger to get me to believe that 2015 was going to be a good year. Self-loathing immediate set in. I knew I had not been able to give that gift to myself, and I hated that. Self-love sounds so simple, yet I maintain, it is one of the hardest things we have to do. It's a daily practice, and man, I have lots of work left to do.
I still don't have those 2015 goals. Nor do I have intentions or resolutions or big life pledges.
That doesn't mean that there isn't a lot I want to accomplish this next year. I have big travel plans and self-improvement plans, business plans and plans, plans, plans. But I think the most important thing I can do in 2015 is believe in my own success. It's going to require a lot of work ( and a lot of therapy...consider my therapist warned ), but I think it's a good one.
If I can do that and perhaps, wake up each day trying to be a nicer human than I was the day before, that feels like enough to me right now.
In fact, it feels like more than enough.
[ hand-lettering by me ]
